Introduction
It seems as if it’s been ages since we were studying Paul’s letter to the Ephesians together on a Sunday morning. Last week we had the BB enrolment and the week before that was harvest. And so, it’s been a while.
But we’re in that part of Paul’s letter where he’s giving us instructions on how we should live as God’s people in the world. Last time we looked at what he said to husbands and wives. Today we’re studying what he says to parents and their children. Next time we’ll be thinking about slaves and masters or we might say employees and employers.
And the principle to keep in mind is that grace restores nature or grace restores creation. When God created the heavens and the earth and all that they contain, it was all very good. But God’s good creation was spoiled when Adam disobeyed the Lord and sin came into the world and spoiled everything. Everything has been affected by sin. And so, marriages have been spoiled, because husbands and wives no longer love and serve one another the way that they should. Families have been spoiled, because parents and children no longer love and serve one another the way that they should. The workplace has been spoiled because workers and their bosses no longer love and serve one another the way that they should. Every part of God’s creation and every relationship has been spoiled because of sin.
But this is still God’s world. He made it. He loves it. He’s committed to it. He won’t abandon it. And so, he sent his Only Begotten Son into the world to save us from our sin; and to save us from all the misery our sin causes; and to renew us in God’s image by his Spirit who lives and works in his believing people. And by renewing us in God’s image, he renews the world around us. And this is because, God doesn’t lift his people out of the world to place us in a kind of spiritual world without marriages and without families and without workplaces. Instead God leaves us where we are. He leaves us in this world with marriages and families and workplaces. And those places are renewed and made better, because he’s renewing his people and he’s making us better. And so, with God’s gracious help, marriages are made better. And with God’s gracious help, families are made better. And with God’s gracious help, workplaces are made better. God hasn’t abandoned his creation, but instead he renews it and restores it by renewing and restoring his people.
I said the last time that what Paul wrote to the Ephesians is very similar to what he wrote to the Colossians. And we studied his letter to the Colossians on Sunday evenings last year. And since what he wrote in both letters is very similar, then I’m going to be repeating myself. And when I spoke about parents and children last year, I finished that sermon by describing a photo which was taken a long time ago. It’s a photo of me holding Rachel’s hand when she was only a toddler. The two of us have our backs to the camera and we’re walking through a field towards a gate. And I’m holding Rachel’s hand to keep her from falling, because the ground was uneven and there were lots of bumps and dips for a toddler to stumble over or to fall into.
And so, I’m holding her hand to keeping her from falling and to guide her in the right direction. And that’s an image of what Paul is talking about in today’s passage. If you have children, or if you’re a child, try and keep that image in your mind, because we’re on our way to eternal life in the presence of God. That’s where you’re headed so long as you’re trusting in Christ for salvation. But there are many dangers and troubles and trials on the way. There are plenty of things that can cause us to stumble and to fall away from Christ. There are many dangers on the way. And so, to help us, God places us in a family. And God commands parents to take hold of their children by the hand, as it were, and to lead them gently along the right path towards eternal life in the presence of God. And God commands children to let your parents lead you. Take their hand, as it were, and let them guide you.
And for this to work, both parents and children have to do their part. Parents must lead gently and children must follow obediently. If parents don’t lead, or if children don’t follow, then the children may get lost or they may stumble and fall before they reach eternal life in the presence of God. And so, parents must lead their children gently. And children must follow obediently. That’s what Paul is teaching us in today’s passage.
The modern western world
I mentioned the modern western world the last time. The modern western world and its ways of thinking about life in the world began at the time of the Enlightenment in the 1600s. And the Enlightenment emphasised human reason as the way to make sense of the world and everything else. So, forget what the Bible says. Forget what the church says. Forget what any authority in the past said. And rely on human reason. You can work it out yourself.
And that way of thinking is all around us now and we’ve all absorbed it without knowing it. It’s like the air that we breathe: it’s just there and it fills us and we’re not even aware of how it influences us until, as I said the last time, we bump our heard on what Paul says about wives submitting to their husbands. That teaching seems strange to us because we’ve absorbed unconsciously the ideas and values of the modern western world, which says that, since we’re all equal, then wives shouldn’t have to submit to anyone, including their husbands. And so, Paul’s teaching strikes us as odd or even offensive, because the modern western world and its way of thinking about the world have shaped us.
And the Enlightenment placed an emphasis on the individual. Instead of submitting or conforming to what has gone before, the Enlightenment said that you have to use your own reason and the power of your own mind to understand the world and everything in it. So, don’t rely on what other people have said in the past. You’re free now from those old authorities that told you what to believe; and it’s up to you to use your own freedom and the power of your own mind and reason to understand life in the world. It’s all about the freedom of the individual.
And this way of thinking has only developed over time so that people now believe that they must be free to be and to express their true self; and that anyone who prevents them from being and expressing their true self is oppressing them. In extreme cases today, you get people who say that they want to free themselves from their body, because, though they have the body of a man, they feel that their true self is a woman. That’s the extreme, but you see the same desire in lots of smaller ways. And so, each new generation wants to dress in a way that is different from their parents and which, they think, enables them to express who they are.
According to the modern western world, the way to be happy is to be free to be and to do whatever you want. And that means that young people need to free themselves from their family’s influence over them. Their family will only oppress you. And you need to be free.
That’s what the modern western world teaches. And it’s all around us. It’s the air that we breathe. And we hardly notice how we’ve absorbed this kind of thinking.
The family
But what does the Bible teach? It teaches us that the family was instituted by God as part of his good creation.
In the beginning, when God created Adam and Eve, be blessed them and commanded them to be fruitful and to increase in number. It was therefore God’s will for the human race that we would multiply on the earth by having children. And so, having children is a normal part of God’s good creation. It’s important that we remember this because, from what we read in the New Testament, there were some super-spiritual people who were telling married couples that it was wrong for them to have sexual relations. The idea was going around that people who were serious about serving God should abandon normal human activities and family responsibilities and they should give all their time and attention to spiritual activities. But Paul made clear that everything God created is good and can be received with thanksgiving; and there’s no need to abandon normal human relations; and there’s no need to give up your family and home life to serve the Lord. You can serve the Lord right where you are among the members of your family. In fact, you serve the Lord by being a good spouse or by being a good parent or by being a good child.
The Bible also makes clear that children are a gift from God. So, when Jacob met his brother Esau after many years of being apart, Esau asked Jacob, ‘Who are these with you?’ And Jacob answered: ‘They are the children God has graciously given your servant.’ God graciously and freely gave Jacob all his children. Not everyone who is married is able to have children; and many married couples are desperate to have them. However, for some unknown reason, having children is not God’s will for them. And so, those who have children should give thanks to God for them, because they are his gift to you.
And when we’re born, God places us in a family with parents and perhaps with siblings and grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins. And our family has a massive influence on us. For instance, since we came from our parents, we might bear a physical resemblance to them. We might also display the same mannerism as our parents: we do things in the same way. And we perhaps develop the same interests and abilities and skills as they have. I have a friend who likes to sail his yacht. Sailing takes up a lot of his time and attention — and his money. It’s a massively important part of his life. And he got his interest in sailing from his father.
And every family has its own history and traditions which are passed on to the children. For instance, there are the little traditions a family has for celebrating birthdays and Christmas. Our parents pass these things down to them and we pass them down to our children after us.
And each family is part of a greater whole, because our parents came from their own families, which influenced them. And every family is part of a neighbourhood and town or city. And these all have an influence on us.
And, of course, children influence their parents. That carefree couple with few responsibilities is transformed whenever they have children. From the moment the child is conceived, the new mother begins to give herself to her child in the womb; and she continues to give herself to her child throughout the rest of the child’s upbringing and beyond. And so, the new mother learns to give like never before and to sacrifice her time and sleep and energy for her child. That new mother, who was once carefree, is now full of care and concern. That new father, who once only thought about his hobbies and friends, becomes responsible and thoughtful and can no longer think of himself only, because he must now think of his family. The new parents are transformed by the needs and demands of their children.
And the point of this is that, while the modern western world tells us that we must free ourselves from the oppressive influence of our family in order to express our true self, the fact is that our family makes us who we are. The modern western world emphasises that we must be free to be our true self. But the fact is that what we are is a product of where we were brought up and how we were brought up and by whom we were brought up. And where and how and by whom we were brought up is all part of God’s will for us. The modern western world says that we should free ourselves from our families in order to be and to express our true selves. But we have come from our family and our true self is a product of our family. God uses our family to make us who we are.
Children
And so, whereas the modern western world tells us to free ourselves from our parents, God in his word tells children to obey their parents in the Lord. That’s in Ephesians 6 verse 1.
Since Paul will go on in verse 4 to address parents who are bringing up their children, then that tells us that in verse 1 he’s addressing children who are still at home and who are being brought up by their parents. And so, if you’re a child who is still living at home, then God’s will for you is to obey your parents. And notice, of course, that Paul says ‘parents’. So, God’s will for you is for you to obey your father and your mother. You’re to do what each of them says.
In the parallel passage in Colossians, Paul adds that you’re to obey your parents in everything. So, you may not like it. And you may not agree with your parents. You may think they’re being mean. You may think they don’t understand. But nevertheless it is God’s will for you to obey your parents in everything.
As we’ll see in a moment, your parents are only trying to obey the Lord who has commanded them to bring you up in the training and instruction of the Lord. They are therefore trying to do what is right in God’s sight. And you must help them to obey the Lord by obeying them and by doing what they say. So, obey them, because they’re trying to teach you what is good and right and acceptable in the sight of God.
And Paul adds that ‘this is right’. Do you see that? Why should children obey their parents? Because it’s right. Or as Paul says to the Colossians: because it pleases the Lord. It pleases the Lord because it’s right. And why is it right? Because it corresponds to God’s will for us as revealed in the fifth commmandment. And Paul therefore quotes the fifth commandment in verse 2 which says that we’re to honour our father and mother.
The word ‘honour’ is interesting, because we honour our parents in different ways depending on our own age and their age.
When we’re young, we honour our parents by obeying them.
When we’re older, we honour them by continuing to abide by what they have taught us. Ideally, by the time a child is in their late teens or early 20s, they should have absorbed or adopted for themselves the values of their parents. When that’s the case, they don’t need their parents to keep telling them what to do or what not to do. They don’t need their parents to keep telling them, because they already know what their parents want them to do. And because they love their parents and want to honour them, they’ll live according to what they were taught when they were younger.
And then, when our parents are older, we honour them by speaking well of them and by doing what we can to care for them and to support them in their old age.
And once our parents have died, we continue to honour them by continuing to follow their godly example of faith in Christ and obedience to God our Heavenly Father.
Paul quotes the fifth commandment and he goes on to say that it’s the first of the ten commandments with a promise. And then he reminds us of the promise as it’s recorded for us in Deuteronomy 5. And this is God’s promise: ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth’. According to God’s promise, the way to enjoy a long and happy life is by honouring your parents. Now, we sadly know that there are exceptions. There are godly and obedient children who died when they were still young. And there are plenty of ungodly and disobedient children who live long and full lives. So, there are always exceptions. But God gives us his promises to encourage our obedience and to warn us away from disobedience and to make clear to us what his will is for us. And God’s will is for children to honour their parents. And that means, when you’re young, and still living at home, you’re to obey them in everything.
Before moving on to the duty of fathers, notice two small things. Firstly Paul says in verse 1 that children must obey their parents ‘in the Lord’. The words ‘in the Lord’ go with the verb ‘obey’. So, he’s saying to the children: obey in the Lord. Or: obey as to the Lord. He’s saying that the way to obey the Lord is by obeying your parents. Sometimes young people think that the way to serve God is by being a leader in one of our organisations or it’s by going on mission team in the summer. And those are good things to do. But the ordinary way to serve the Lord is by obeying your parents at home.
And, secondly, Paul assumes that the children he’s addressing are part of the church. And that’s one of the reasons we baptise children. We baptise the children of believers because we regard them, just as Paul did, as members of the church.
Fathers
So, Paul addresses children in verses 1 to 3. And in verse 4 he addresses fathers. Fathers, he says, do not exasperate your children. Or: do not provoke your children to anger. In Colossians he says: do not embitter your children.
Perhaps Paul addresses fathers in their role as the head of the household. However, it’s also possible that he addresses fathers, because fathers, more than mothers, are the ones who are more inclined to provoke their children to anger.
When I was preaching on Colossians, I made the point that when it comes to rebellious and ungrateful children, everything you do will exasperate them; everything you do will provoke them to anger; everything you do will embitter them. A rebellious and ungrateful child wants to be left alone to do their own thing. They will resent anything their parents do to teach them. And so, it seems to me that Paul is referring here to obedient children. These children want to obey. They want to please their parents and the Lord. And fathers will exasperate and embitter children like that by being excessive. So, by setting excessively high standards for their children. By being excessively strict. By being excessively critical. By being excessively rigid. This is true in the natural world. A plant needs water and sunshine, but too much water and it will drown; and too much sunshine and it will wilt. And as parents bring up their children, too much discipline and too much control will only exasperate and embitter them.
And so, fathers — and mothers — must be careful not to exasperate and embitter good and obedient children by being excessive. But that doesn’t mean parents are to leave their children alone. We’re not to leave children to work things out on their own. Instead, parents are to be active in their lives and fathers in particular are to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. In other words, fathers are to provide their children with Christian instruction. Fathers are to teach their children what to believe and how to behave, so that they will grow up to know and love the Saviour and to do his will.
The place to do this is first and foremost in the home. So yes, we’ll take our children to church and its organisations. But the person who has the primary responsibility for instructing children in the Christian faith is the father, who of course will need the help of his wife to do so. And this Christian instruction takes place in the home. And so, parents should aim to create homes where the name of the Lord Jesus is honoured and obeyed; and where the Lord Jesus becomes an unseen member of the family. And so, in the home, parents will talk to their children about the Lord and about what he has done for us; and about how we’re to trust in Christ for forgiveness; and how we’re to obey God in our daily lives.
And since our Heavenly Father is willing to pardon us when we do wrong, then parents should always be willing to pardon their children when they do wrong. So, when we disobey God, we’re meant to confess our sins to him and turn from them. And when we do that, then God forgives us. And he’s able to forgive us because Christ our Saviour has paid for our sins with his life. He took the blame for what we have done wrong. And so, God always forgives us when we confess our sins and turn from them.
And since God is willing to forgive us when we confess our sins and turn from them, then parents should be willing to forgive their children when they do wrong and when they confess it and turn from it. The confession and turning from it is important, otherwise children will think that their sins don’t matter. But once they come to you for forgiveness, then you must always forgive them. And then you must forget all about it and not bring it up again.
And by forgiving them like that, you teach your children the wonder of God’s forgiveness and how he promises not to hold out sins against us, but to pardon us because of Christ.
Conclusion
So, the modern western world says that the way to be happy is to free yourself from your family’s oppressive influence, so that you’re free to be your true self and to do whatever you like. But God has placed us in families and our families shape us and make us who we are.
And God has given to parents the responsibility of leading their children along the path that leads to eternal life in his presence. And God has given to children the responsibility of following your parents along the path that leads to eternal life.
And so, instead of wanting to free ourselves from our family, we should give thanks to God for it. And children should hold on to your parents, so that they can lead you and guide you all the way to eternal life in the presence of God our Father.
Sermons and Stuff 