Introduction
When I’m walking the dogs through the castle forest park, there’s one particular path which I go along sometimes and when I go there with the dogs I need to pay attention to what I’m doing, because there have been times when I’ve been lost in thought and I haven’t being paying attention and I’ve got my head down and I’m looking at the ground and then, suddenly, I thump my head against this one low-hanging branch which sticks out over the path. And some of us, if not many of us, can in a sense bump our heads as we read today’s passage.
Let me explain why. Over the last few weeks we’ve been going through Paul’s letter to the Ephesians and it all makes sense to us and we can agree with everything Paul is saying. So, yes, we’ve been raised with Christ to live a new kind of life and therefore we should live differently. Yes, we’ve been called by God into the church and therefore we should live a life worthy of our calling. Yes, we’ve become members of Christ’s new humanity and we should take off whatever doesn’t fit. Yes, we’ve been become light in the Lord and therefore we should live as children of the light. And all of that means that we should put off falsehood and speak truthfully to one another. We must be careful not to sin when we’re angry. We mustn’t steal, but must work hard and share what we earn with others. We mustn’t let unwholesome talk come from our mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up. We must get rid of every form of malice. We must be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another just as God has forgiven us in Christ Jesus. We should live a life of love. And so on. We all agree with that. That all makes sense to us and we want to be like this.
And so, we’re walking through Ephesians and we’re nodding our heads in agreement. But then, bang. We bump our heads on today’s passage where Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Really? In this day and age?
Last year on Sunday evenings we went through Paul’s letter to the Colossians. And it’s interesting to study Colossians and Ephesians back-to-back, because while the books are clearly different from each other, there are also a lot of similarities between them. For instance, in both of them, Paul instructs us how to live as God’s people in our daily lives. As part of that, he writes about how we’re to live as God’s people in the home and in the workplace. And so, in both letters, he addresses husbands and wives and parents and children and slaves and masters, or we would say employees and employers. And what he says about how we’re to live as God’s people in the home and workplace is virtually the same in Colossians and Ephesians. And so, I’m going to be repeating myself today.
And last year, I spent some time talking about the modern western world, and its way of thinking, which is all around us. And since it’s all around us, we hardly ever notice it and we hardly ever notice how we have absorbed its ideas and values and attitudes. We hardly notice it until we bump our head on Paul’s instruction to wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. The reason we bump up against that is because we’re surrounded by the modern western world and its way of thinking and we’ve absorbed lots of its ideas. And the modern western world teaches us that wives shouldn’t submit to their husbands.
The modern western world
The modern western world began in the 1600s at the time of the Enlightenment, which emphasised human reason as the way to know the truth about the world. So, forget what the Bible teaches. Forget what the church teaches. Forget what anyone in the past taught. And rely on human reason alone.
Now, since the time of the Enlightenment in the 1600s, we’ve made lots of advances in our knowledge of the world and we’ve benefitted in lots of different ways because of science and technology. And so, there’s lots to learn from the modern western world; and our lives are so much better now than they were for people in the past. However, not everything it teaches is good or right or true, because the modern western world is part of this fallen world which was corrupted in the beginning when Adam disobeyed the Lord and sin came into the world. And so, much of what the modern western world teaches contradicts the Bible, because the modern western world has abandoned the Bible. And its view of the world and its view of life in the world is godless. It’s godless, because the modern western world makes no room for God and his revelation in its thinking.
And so, as I said last year, we have a choice to make. Will we believe the Bible, which is God’s revelation to us and which was written under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit? Or will we believe what the modern western world teaches? We have to decide.
The ancient western world
The people in Colossians and Ephesus had a similar choice to make. Of course, theirs was not a choice between believing the Bible or believing the modern western world. Theirs was a choice between believing the Bible or believing what the ancient western world taught. One of the Bible commentators (Arnold) explains that in the ancient western world, the husband and father in a family had legal and social power over his wife and children and slaves. He controlled the finances and made all the key decisions affecting his family. He had ruling authority over all matters. And while there were codes of behaviour in the ancient western world which people were meant to follow, the focus in those codes when it came to husbands and fathers was on their rights and not on their responsibilities. It was about what they were entitled to do.
But here’s Paul writing to husbands, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, and he’s not writing about the rights of husbands, but about the duty of husbands. It’s not about their rights and what they’re entitled to do. It’s about what they’re obligated to do and how they’re to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Men in the ancient western world would bump their head against that.
And scholars tell us that in the Roman world in the days when Paul was writing a change was taking place in the roles of women. It wasn’t quite a women’s liberation movement, but some women were enjoying more freedom. They were more independent than before. They were beginning to assert themselves in Roman society. One historian (Michael Grant as quoted by Arnold) has written that ‘the Roman women of the late Republic possessed a freedom and independence almost unparalleled until the present century.’ Some women were entering public life and were seeking education and were obtaining jobs and some were even attaining important positions in city governments. But here’s Paul teaching wives to submit to their husbands. And so, women in the ancient world would have bumped their head against that.
So, Paul’s original audience had a choice to make. And so, do we. Will you believe the Bible, which was written under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit? Or will you believe what the world around us says?
The Bible on men and women
What does the Bible teach us? It teaches us that God created men and women in his image. And therefore both men and women are fully human and they both possess a dignity that comes from being made in God’s image. Men can’t say that women are less human than men; and women can’t say that men are less human than women. We are both fully human and of equal worth because we were both made in the image of God.
But though we’re both fully human and of equal worth, God made us different from one another. Men and women are not the same. And God also made us dependent on one another. So, when God made Adam in the beginning, God said that it wasn’t good for Adam to be on his own. And therefore God made Eve to be a suitable helper for him. And the idea is not that Eve was to be Adam’s servant, but that Adam was incomplete without Eve. He couldn’t manage on his own. He couldn’t flourish on his own. And so, they were to complement one another and they fitted together like two pieces of a jigsaw. That’s not to say that people who are not married are incomplete. It’s to say that men and women are different and we complement one another and we need one another.
The Bible on marriage
And when God brought Adam and Eve together, he created marriage. So, marriage is not something which the church established or which society established and which we can therefore change. It’s something which God created in the beginning; and he’s the only one who is able to determine what it is and what it means.
And what is marriage? It’s a picture of Christ and his church and their relationship, which will be consummated in the life to come. We learn that from today’s passage, where Paul moves between talking about husbands and wives one moment to talking about Christ and his church the next moment. If you’ve got your Bible open at our passage, take a look at verse 31 where Paul quotes Genesis 2:24. In that verse God said that, when a man is married, he leaves his parents and he’s united to his wife. And the man and his wife become one flesh. Once they were two separate individuals, but now, through marriage, they are one. They are one couple. That’s what Genesis 2:24 says.
Paul quotes from Genesis in verse 31 and then in verse 32 he says that what he’s talking about is a profound mystery. He then adds: ‘but I am talking about Christ and the church.’ So, in one verse he appears to be talking about earthly marriage, but in the next it turns out he’s talking about a mystery concerning Christ and his church.
You’ll perhaps remember that a mystery in the Bible is something we would never know unless God revealed it to us. We would never work it out on our own. We would never figure it out. God has to reveal it to us. And God revealed a mystery to Paul. And the mystery which God revealed to Paul is that the union of a husband and wife in marriage is a picture of the union between Christ and his church. I’ll say that again: the union of a husband and wife in marriage is a picture of the union between Christ and his church. In other words, God intends marriage to be a picture, or a model, of Christ and his church and their relationship.
And so, the reason wives are to submit to their husbands is not because wives are weaker than their husbands or less important or anything like that. The reason wives are to submit to their husbands is because God wants wives to model the way the church submits to Christ.
And so, take a look at verses 22 to 24 where Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. He then says that the husband is the head of the wife ‘as Christ is the head of the church’. And ‘as the church submits to Christ’ so wives are to submit to her husband in everything. So, why should wives submit to their husbands? Wives are to submit to their husbands because God wants wives to model the way the church submits to Christ.
And Paul goes on in verses 25 and following to instruct husbands to love their wives. And the reason husbands are to love their wives is because God wants husbands to model the way Christ loves the church. And so, he says in verse 25 that husbands are to love their wives, ‘just as Christ loved the church’.
And how did Christ love the church? He loved the church so much that he gave himself up for her. In other words, he died for her. Christ loved the church so much that he was willing to lay down his life for us. And as Paul goes on to say, he gave himself up for the church to make the church — us — holy, cleansing us by the washing with water through the word so that in the life to come we’ll be presented to Christ as a radiant church, without any stain or wrinkle or any other moral blemish, but holy and blameless. Christ died for us so that one day we’ll be free from the stain of sin and pardoned from all our guilt.
Christ loved us so much that he gave up his life for us to free us from our sin and misery and guilt. In the same way — and this is in verse 28 — husbands ought to love their wives.
So, why are husbands to love their wives? Husbands are to love their wives to illustrate or to model how Christ loves the church. And that means husbands are to love their wives sacrificially. Husbands: instead of putting yourself first, you’re to put your wife first. Instead of thinking about your own needs and wants, you’re to think about your wife’s needs and wants.
In verses 28 and 29, Paul introduces a new thought to help husbands think through what this means in practice. And so, he says in verse 28 that you’re to love your wife ‘as your own body’. So, just as you look after your body — feeding and caring for it — so you’re to look after your wife. You naturally look after your body. And so, you should just as naturally look after your wife. And since she’s now part of you — since you’re united together as one through marriage — then loving your wife is the same as loving yourself. So, instead of hating her, love her as Christ loves the church. And so, once again Paul gets back to the relationship between Christ and the church. When husbands love their wives they model how Christ loves the church.
And the relationship between Christ and the church will be consummated in the life to come when Christ’s church will be made perfect and will be presented before him as a radiant bride. And Christ and his church will live happily ever afer. And so, a happy marriage here on earth points people to the hope of the gospel. There’s a method for evangelism which we don’t often hear about. How do we tell people the gospel? By working hard at having a happy marriage.
Of course, people in the modern western world would never think of this, because they don’t believe in Christ or salvation or eternal life. But this is why God calls wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to love their wives. And, as I said last year, this is why marriage is for this life only. When the Sadducees, who don’t believe in the resurrection, asked the Lord about marriage at the resurrection, the Lord replied that people will neither marry nor be given in marriage at the resurrection. And that’s because, when the reality comes — when Christ and his church are united perfectly in the world to come — the earthly pictures are put away. We won’t need earthly marriages in the life to come, because earthly marriages are for the time-being only, while we wait for Christ and his church to be united after the resurrection.
Application
When I was preaching on Colossians last year, I quoted from my favourite theologian, Herman Bavinck, who made clear that every marriage is imperfect. He said that, in addition to all the normal adversities which we face in life — such as disasters and accidents and sickness and death and need and misery — those who are married must also put up with the faults and sins which we find in our spouse. He wrote that often husband and wives are each other’s cross to bear. And even when that’s not the case, husbands and wives often disappoint and irritate one another.
Husbands and wives love one another and they cherish one another. But still, husbands and wives cannot help but annoy one another from time to time. Bavinck says that our virtues may flourish in marriage, but our faults and failings are also exposed in marriage. Whereas we can portray ourselves in a positive light to the outside world, our spouses know what we’re really like. And whereas the solution which an unbelieving world offers is for husbands and wives to divorce and find a more suitable partner, the word of God commands us to repent of our sins and to seek the Lord’s help to overcome our weaknesses.
Husbands must seek the Lord’s help to love their wives, because men are prone to being loveless. A man’s love for his wife can grow cold. He gets distracted by his work or by friends or by hobbies. If things go wrong in his life, he’s likely to blame his wife. He’s also liable to take out his disappointments on her. And men can become sullen and distant. They can also become unfaithful as well as unloving and they can commit adultery with their bodies or in their hearts. But God commands all husbands to love their wives; and he gives his Spirit to all who ask for his help. And the good news of the gospel is that when we fail, there is forgiveness from the Lord Jesus, who shed his blood to cleanse us.
And wives must seek the Lord’s help to submit to their husbands, because it’s not easy, especially when you begin to see over time the faults and failures of your husband; and when you begin to see over time your own strengths and abilities. Nevertheless, God calls wives to submit to their husbands. And so, whenever a woman agrees to marry a man, she’s agreeing that, from that time on, she will submit to him.
Notice, of course, that Paul calls wives to submit to their own husband and not to every man. Notice as well that he doesn’t say who should do what in the home. He doesn’t say who should cook or do the housework or mow the lawn or take the bins out. Each couple can work that out on their own according to their own gifts and abilities and other responsibilities. And just as husbands can look to the Lord for the help they need to love their wives, so wives can look to the Lord for the help they need to submit to their husbands. And the blood of Christ covers over all of our failures and shortcomings.
Conclusion
The final thing to consider is how this works in practice. And what I’m going to do is to say what I said when I was preaching on Colossians. At that time I referred to a book written by Tim Keller, an American minister and author who died last year, which he wrote with his wife, Kathy. And Kathy wrote an appendix on decision making and gender roles. She gave four guidelines for husbands and wives to follow, though I’m adapting them.
Firstly, the husband’s authority should never be used to please himself, but only to serve his wife. Just as Christ did not please himself, but he gave himself up for the church, so husbands are not to please themselves.
Secondly, the husband’s ability to make a good decision is enhanced when he listens to his wife, because she has different abilities and gifts and knowledge and a different perspective from him which will make his decision-making better. So, before making a decision, he needs to talk it over with his wife.
Thirdly, wives are not to give their husbands unconditional submission. Wives mustn’t submit to their husbands if their husbands are asking them to do something which the Lord forbids.
Fourthly, husbands and wives often agree on whatever decision has to be made. They agree because the decision is obvious. And often when they disagree, each one will be willing to give in to the other, because they love one another. So, one says, ‘Okay, we’ll do it your way.’ But the other says: ‘No, I’ve changed my mind. We’ll do it your way.’ But on those occasions when there’s disagreement, and when there’s a stalemate, someone has to make a decision. You can’t remain in a stalemate forever. And so, who has the casting vote? At this point, it’s often easy for the husband to give in to his wife. But he gives in to his wife, not because he agrees with her, but because he wants someone to blame if it all goes wrong. He doesn’t want to be held accountable for a bad decision.
And that’s the point. Making decisions can be hard, because the decision-maker is accountable. If it goes wrong, the decision-maker will be blamed. So, who should make the final decision in a marriage? Who is to be held responsible and accountable for what is decided? God has said in his word that it’s the husband who is responsible. And so, he’s the one who must decide. But when he makes his decision, he should choose whatever is best for his wife and family and whatever brings glory and honour to God.
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